It's A Me
__About You__

1. Full Name: Rachel Marie Updyke
2. Nicknames: Tamuril
3. Birthday: Harry Potter's
4. Place of Birth: Mercy Hospital
5. Zodiac Sign: Leo
6. Male or female: Last time I had a pussy haha
7. Brothers and Sisters: One younger brother
8. College: American River College
9. Occupation: Retail
10. Residence: Sacramento
11. MSN Screen Name: sexy_pink_rocker@hotmail.com

_Your Appearance___

12. Hair Colour: Naturally really dark brown
13. Hair Length: just above my shoulders
14. Eye colour: really dark brown, at most times they don't look like they have any color to them
16. Height: 5'3ish
17. Braces: No but braces are super cute
18. Glasses: No - i look amazing in them though
19. Piercing: um i can't really wear em
20. Tattoos: Yep, just one
21. Righty or Lefty: Righty

___Your 'Firsts'___

22. First best friend: Probably Joey
23. First Award: I have no clue, something to do school
24. First Sport You Joined: haha i did ballet and tap dance when i was like 4
25. First pet: Clouds, still alive
26. First Real Vacation: Sometime when i was a child under 4, we went a lot of places when i was under 4 because i got into the places free
27. First Concert: Britney Spears age 10 haha
28. First Love: Dan...

___ Favourites___

29. Movie: Stardust, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Princess Bride, so on, etc.
30. TV programme: Futurama possibly, i'm unsure, i do love Total Drama Island
31. Colour: hot pink and black and lately lime green
32. Rock Band: oh Modest Mouse is good, but I like a few more, like Fuel is an amazing band, i'm not quite sure what my favorite rock band is
33. Singer: Maria Mena
34. Song Right Now: Mad World by Alex Parks; Hear Me Out by Frou Frou; A Wish by Gregory and the Hawk; Sad Songs by Matt Nathanson;
36. Sweet: Strawberry Shortcake Popsicle; M&M mini cookies
37. Sport to Play: does dance count haha, i have no clue, haven't played sports in a really long while
38. Restaurant: Don't really get out to eat very much
39. Favourite band: not quite sure
40. Store: hot topic, er yeah
41. College Subject: I liked my dance classes
42. Animal: wolves are gorgeous, and cats
43. Book: Arousal, i forgot who wrote it
44. Magazine: I don't read magazines
45. Shoes: i like my tennis shoes

___Currently___

46. Feeling: afraid
47. Single or Taken?: Taken, oh what i bet you didn't see that answer coming
48. Have a crush: um lol
49. Eating: Nothing as we speak
50. Drinking: Nothing as we speak
51. Typing: 75wpm, i screwed up a few times when i was typing though, so i'll say thats probably an estimate of how much i type, and probably only when i'm typing stuff that is a bit more complicated, since i was typing an entry from george orwell's animal farm for the online typing test, eh
52. Online: Obviously
53. Listening To: Nothing
54. Thinking About: My last relationship and how i feel like i'm already bringing the pain caused into this, and how none of this feels real and i'm quite scared as to hurt him T_T
55. Wanting To: wake him up and snuggle with him
56. Watching: I have no fucking clue, it says johnnycarson.com on the bottom though
57. Wearing: work clothing

___Your Future___

58. Want Kids: not sure, not really
59. Want to be married: I don't know what i really want anymore
60. Careers in Mind: Teacher
61. Where do you want to live: idk
62. Sent Mail over Sea: what?

__Which is Better With The Opposite Sex___

63. Hair colour: don't really care
64. Hair length: i like longer hair
65. Eye colour: i kinda love green or blue eyes that have like something amazing and beautiful to them
66. Height:: Don't care, yo, haha
67. Cute or Sexy: Cute
68. Lips or Eyes: um what?
69. Hugs or Kisses: depends on the moment
70. Short or Tall: Don’t care
71. Easy going or serious: serious scares me, like seriously
72. Romantic or Spontaneous: don't many consider spontaneous romantic?
73. Fatty or Skinny: i prefer whatever haha, too tired for this
74. Sensitive or Loud: How are those opposites?
75. Hook-up or Relationship: What the fuck?
76. Sweet or Caring: Haha these last ones are totally making sense
77. Trouble Maker or Hesitant One: Not stupid? lol, i like that i kept a few of kat's answers for this section


___Have you ever______

78. Kissed a Stranger: no
79. Had Alcohol: yeah
80. Smoked: no
81. Ran Away From Home: well like, i've wanted to
82. Broken a bone: no
83. Got an X-ray: no
84. Been with someone: yeah
85. Broken Someone’s Heart: yeah
86. Broke Up With Someone: yeah
87. Cried When Someone Died: yeah
88. Made friends happy: yeah

Falling Apart

[link] <- lyrics to the song i'm listening to, i'm obsessing

Why does it take so long to recover? Why does it feel worse each time? Why can't i rely on anyone? The word is barely hard to say because i'm quite hoping for something that will fix me, hoping that will be someone else, but i've come to realize that i can only fix myself especially when what i don't like is everything. So its so tempting to leave and never come back, but where to i'm unsure, and i've been trying to fix myself by trying to take away what i feel was the best thing i ever had, at one point, and apparently you hold onto old feelings for a long time, and these feelings i can't seem to let go of just keep hurting me. But I can't seem to get rid of it, as in they won't let me and even still I think i'd collapse without them.

*shower interjection*

it's gotten worse than i remember, i don't want to be alone because im afraid i'd want to go be alone for a long time, i dont want to be around people, in fact i'm starting to like have small anxiety attacks when i'm hanging around a group where there seems to be more than like 5 people, but being around people also freaks me out because so many times within the last week i've just wanted to sit down and cry while on campus because everything is just so overwhelming

i keep looking in the mirror hoping to like what i see, but for the first time in my life i'm looking past my face, looking past my body and only seeing my tears and my superficial soul

the most painful thing i've ever looked at seems to be my personality

Metallica and Cats

[link]

My Next Tattoo(s)

So I'm trying to control myself better, because with all this new freedom that I've gained since turning 18 (being able to go out more with simply telling my parents where i'm going, having a credit card, being able to spend my money freely, and now driving) i'm kind of taking it a little too much out of control, and have been doing things a lot more on impulse, and i really need to stop, so i figure that instead of just going out and getting my next tattoo i'll wait three years like i'm suppose to, to make sure i still like it.

So my next tattoo i think will be the counterpart of my angel heart (being the demon heart) when i turn 22, and then the next one after that i'm still kind of deciding, and want some input. I'm thinking about getting 2 really, and them on the inside of both of my wrists, and there to be like a slit with chains or a rope or something and they both face each other....i'm trying to figure out if i'd rather have a chain or a rope, or even if theres another idea, and whether(if its a chain)for the chain to be broken on one wrist or have both wrists have the broken chain on the end....i know with the rope it'll be like frayed on either side....so if you have some input on that would be cool

on top of that i'm thinking that i would really love a tattoo on my right rib cage, i'd love to get something done that would be really gorgeous, the only ones i can think of that i've seen are either flowers or like coy fish or whatever....i like them to kind of wrap around, more like this one

[link]

rather than just being on the rib cage, i want it about the size of that, if i do end up getting a tattoo on my ribs...idk what i want though, i want to figure it out now though so that i can get it relatively close to when i get my wrist chains(if i like them)...so i would love it if you would give me some ideas

Teaching

So as you may or may not know I plan on being a teacher, and not because i love the idea of helping people or because i can't do anything else....while these are qualities that i have(haha) the main reason i want to teach is because people are complete idiots and intelligence is extremely important to me. So why i'm bringing this up is because I want to know a few things, because I don't want to be one of those teachers where the standards teach the class, not the importance of a child getting an education. While the "standards" for what a child should know is important because it is required to be taught, it is not everything and, i'm sure this could change dramatically when i become a teacher, teachers should expand the curriculum given to them by the state, and perhaps reach out into other things you wouldn't expect, like say culture. Well that applies more to what i'm planning to teach (elementary school) rather than older grades. These are all my opinions of course.

So these questions pretty much apply to your opinions about elementary school, or about grades k-4. So er, hrm..first question, hypothetically, if you had a child entering elementary school, how would you want their teacher to teach them? What were some things your elementary school teachers did that worked really well for you to absorb new information?

I don't know what else to ask, so anything other information you could provide would be awesome....

Sociological Crap - Jeez I Need to Stop Working Nights

So I get to think a lot when I work nights because most of the time i'm straightening and I get to do nothing but straighten uninterrupted for half an hour to an hour, because usually we don't get that many customers...anyways, so today i thought about a lot of different things, and one of them happened to relate back to sociology, which i got to from the thought of my broken chain tattoo.

Human nature sucks and I think with the introduction, or more like the realization of sociological and psychological, and perhaps philosophical concepts(i don't know i haven't taken philosophy) we gain a little better perspective on human nature, but depending on if one absorbs the concepts or brushes them off it can change them or it can just be another piece of useless knowledge that one acquires.

My broken chain tattoo is suppose to symbolize something, because i'm so caught up in english that everything within my life is a symbol, even though i'm no literary major. The obvious symbolism that you see in it would be independence but i think to me it means something more along the lines of a representation of things i was once and will be bound to. Yeah, I do realize that independence is related to that, but when one thinks independence now a days they think freedom from authority, not freedom from emotion, freedom from past regrets, freedom from future regrets, freedom from addictions and so forth. My broken chains that I want to get, three years from now, are suppose to remind me that I am not tied down, I am not chained to anything and who I am is who I present myself as, and who I want to be.

Which some how brought me into the idea of acceptance by peers and how people who present their style, present it so defined. They categorize appearance by who they are, not what they like, and style defines who they are, not what they like. I like some punk outfits, and someday if i get the money i will buy a punk outfit, but how in god's name does that make me punk?

Acceptance is a big part of society though, and now i'm kind of just rambling on and my mind is too stuck on other things...so I'll end this now...oh and i took the movie thing down...obviously

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